the pursuit of better
writing and crying in the face of...everything
It’s safe to say that the fire under my ass has been snuffed out by the constant barrage of world-ending news.
After a particularly difficult therapy session about my lack of motivation to write, I took my dog out and stood in the front yard for a few minutes while she sniffed every pine cone, and I just cried. Sobbed. I’m sure my neighbors were thoroughly confused if they happened to look out the window.
Crying is a big deal for me. I know it’s a thoroughly mocked trope; the main character who can’t cry because they’re that emotionally stunted. For me, medications have made my ability to cry unpredictable at best.
I’m a natural crier. Happiness, sadness, embarrassment, anger: they all used to make me cry pre-depression/anxiety treatment.
Standing in front of my house with my dog pooping a couple of feet away, crying never felt so good and so needed.
I’m still in the process of officially shuttering my small business (go buy my yarn before it’s gone, please), so I feel like I’m in limbo creatively. I’m drafting a novel very slowly, even more slowly than I’m used to.
My therapist and I had such a good conversation yesterday that I thought I’d try to encapsulate some of our thoughts for you here.
Productive vs. Non-Productive Work
We all have limited capacity for creativity. I call this my battery, and think of it as a thing that can only be recharged daily.
Right now, The World is occupying a large portion of my battery’s energy store. And unfortunately, working my ass off doesn’t combat the big, life-altering events occurring everyday. I have this incorrect and completely unhelpful idea that if I just worked harder, the fact that we’re living in an oligarchy won’t bother me quite as much (just as an example).
Turns out, that’s not the case.
Some days just getting basic life things done feels like it takes all of my energy. Maybe some people can get out of bed and crank out 1,000 words every day without fail before coffee. I am not one of these people. The work of doing life is just as “productive” sometimes as writing those 1,000 words.
The Pursuit of Better
My therapist said that placing a value judgement on what’s worthwhile work, or productive vs. non-productive, can negatively effect our “pursuit of better.” I freaking love that phrase. I’ve been on depression and anxiety meds since I was 19, and recently switched to a new one (which was its own adventure). Now that I’m feeling differently, better even, I keep thinking, “Why didn’t I think of doing this before now?”
Because I thought “I feel okay, so that’s fine.” I didn’t think I could be better.
I told my therapist that I sometimes envy my best friend because she always seems to have boundless energy for things like making her own bread and taking her dog on long walks. I said that I wished I had that kind of verve. Then my therapist reminded me that I do, just not for the same things, and placing a value on her “productive” hobbies vs. my “less productive” ones isn’t beneficial. So what if I’m not into homesteading life, like my friend? She makes her own hummus from scratch; I buy mine. Yeah, I could probably save money making it, but am I going to? No. And that’s perfectly fine.
How are we supposed to be creative every day if we’re afraid of pursuing better for ourselves? To me, being better means actively writing, actively creating. Better means having the energy to do both the activities I want to do and the ones I have to do to survive and help keep my pets and spouse going, too. Maybe better will have a different meaning in six months or a year, but right now, this is it.
When I cried in the yard yesterday, I thought, “I feel better, now.” I acknowledged that shit royally sucks right now and will probably keep sucking for a while. I cried knowing that today I feel like the pressures of the external world are too much, but tomorrow might be better.
I don’t want to underestimate better any longer. It might not be “good” or “great,” but it’s something. It’s a place from which I can work on myself without as much judgment.
As always, thank you for reading. If you feel like subscribing for free, please click the button above. I want to offer more content for paying members in the future, but right now, your paid memberships are tips which help me pursue my dreams, my better.
