I have a friend who is a runner*, and I have to admit that I haven’t spoken to her much about her goals re: running.
My silence on this has only to do with me. I am not an athlete, never have been. For a short period in college, I was very serious about badminton, but I can only imagine I looked like one of those car lot inflatable guys while I played. So, when someone I know tells me that they’re training for a 5k or they’ve recently taken up pickleball, my response is usually “That’s great!” without a follow-up.
On a bad day though, I might say something self-deprecating that just ends up sounding condescending like, “I’m definitely not a runner. I can’t imagine wanting to run in this heat.” These are true statements. They also happen to be unhelpful when someone is clearly killing their personal goals; the last time I saw my friend, she said she’d gotten up at 5am to run, for example. The only okay thing for anybody to say in that situation is, “Wow, I’m really proud of you!” or something similar. Clearly if someone is willing to get up at the asscrack of dawn, this means a lot to them.
When I tell people I’m writing a novel, I will usually get some shade of the condescending response like, “Wow, isn’t that hard to do?” Occasionally, I also get “Oh yeah? I’ve always wanted to write a novel!” Again, not helpful in the moment. Fellow writers who are disillusioned might offer the oh-so-helpful statistic about only 1% of querying writers getting agents.
Due to responses like this, I eventually stopped telling my friends about my writing goals. I got the sense that they were judging me for them, or worse, that they didn’t think I could actually accomplish them. After years of hearing other peoples’ doubts about my ability to complete a novel, I started to believe it too.
In actuality, I think that some people just don’t know what to say when confronted with a person actively pursuing their goals. My friend isn’t just A Runner. She has a job, a partner, a whippet, and she sews her own clothes, knits, and reads a lot. She’s a multi-faceted person. Running is a thing she’s doing for herself.
Writing is a thing I do for me, too.
So, on this day of very odd news followed by a flood of even more puzzling hopefulness, I’d like to say that I wish more people would stop defending or couching their dreams for the sake of other people.
Enthusiasm and spark are infectious.
The world, from my point of view, has been sadly lacking in both for years. Writing this book has been the hardest thing I’ve ever done. It’s also the thing that made me realize that my dreams might be pie-in-the-sky, moonshot kind of dreams and that’s okay.
Chances are that my friend won’t ever win the Boston Marathon, or maybe even the next local 5k. But she could! I might not get my novel published. And even if it published, it probably won’t be a number one bestseller…BUT IT COULD BE. That’s the whole point.
For years, I’ve made myself and my dreams smaller for the benefit of people in my life who felt uncomfortable talking about positive events. During get togethers, I felt more comfortable saying, “Meh,” when asked how my week was instead of, “Good! I wrote 5000 words and submitted two applications to residencies.”
Well, screw that. And screw not supporting our friends and loved ones as much and as often as we can, even if we don’t “get” their reasons or interests. Screw not being an enthusiastic cheerleader
…or athletic supporter…you know what I mean.
*If you’d like to support my friend, please go check out her Substack where she writes about what she’s been sewing and reading!
This is a really great take. No shame in supporting your dreams. 🧡